Residential building in umber!

Realm & Areas
#1

I just made a residential building in umber! It’s called the Sunrise Residences and is situated in pinnacle street, number 413.

It has a bunch of easter eggs, like a few secret rooms and secret passages, and even a (tiny) enigma.
I want to add more secrets to it, but I mostly hope that it can become residence to a few characters who wish to live in umber for cheap!

If a mod wants to give feedback /attach it to umber, (I have permission from the area owner, as long as it is approved by a mod) here’s the seed!

#cfieg5e9gbrsdhhkvhv0

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#2

I took a look. It seems to follow the theme of Umber Point pretty nicely!

Some things that would be nice to clean up:

  • there’s a few typos here and there and it’d be great if you could run those through a spellchecker;
  • there’s no autosweep anywhere; generally we’d want autosweep in everything that’s not a private dwelling;
  • ten out of seventeen rooms allow registereng a teleport. That feels a bit excessive;
  • seven allow registering home. Generally that should be reserved to special rooms with appropriate notes.

It’s not quite clear if this is intended to host new residents or is a one-off piece.

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#4

Alrighty, I corrected everything you wrote here! Hmm, I feel like I must say though, only 11 rooms out of 17 are mine! The apartment 30 is owned by someone else ^^

#5

The apartment 30 is owned by someone else

Ah, that explains it.

#6

I cleaned up some leftover typos (it’s the ‘laundromat’!) and missing commas. I also reduced the amout of ellipsises scattered thorugh the writing, e.g. here

A charming place… The already dim lights are flickering, and the whole place is full of rust and water damage stains.

having those .... doesn’t really add much in such place, it just makes it feel like you’re not sure how it should feel. Always strive for being bold! And if you must use those, remember, it’s three periods, not four.

This still left to do:

  • the ‘back’ exit from the hall doesn’t have any transit messages;

  • the ‘hall’ exit from the laundromat says ‘goes to the laundromat.’ I think it should be reversed as you’re actually leaving it;

  • generally, don’t be aftarid to use paragraphs in your writing. It’s easier to digest the descriptions bit by bit, rather than in a single bulk of text;

  • some of your descriptions don’t really work as leave and arrive messages, e.g. the leave message for ‘apartment’ looks like

    Shinyuu The door is locked… And sounds weird.

    I’d suggest grabbing someone along so that they can try out all the exits and you check the writing reads proper;

  • sometimes the directionality and the tense is complicated. When you leave the apartment through the window it’ll read:

    Shinyuu … JUMPED!! THROUGH THE WINDOW!

    It’d read much better if it’s in present tense, just like the rest of the Wolfery writing. So, ‘jumps’.
    When you go through the reverse exit it reads:

    Shinyuu comes back in the room through the window!

    This is a directionality issue – if the character comes through the window to begin with, they aren’t ‘coming back’. A more neutral alternative would be something like ‘craws back’. Nothing major, though.

  • whenever reasonable try to stick to the title capitalisation rules:

    Capitalise the first word of the title, and all words within the title except articles (a/an/the), prepositions (to/on/for etc) and conjunctions (but/and/or etc.).

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#7

Correction: I do not have permission from the area owner, but I still would like to have it reviewed if possible!
Thanks!

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